It’s been a past life since I felt you kicking in the womb.

It’s been a past life since I rubbed and caressed my pregnant vessel.

It’s been a past life since I was laboring + swaying under the Sagittarius moon.

Half a year has passed and I’ve been yearning to share our birth story. I’ve been nestled in our sacred space, adjusting to new motherhood again. Devyn and Apollo has found a rhythm and created safety for me to navigate this new terrain. I’ve shared my birth experience with a selected few & not with the collective— with the fear of boring people, scaring some with details, or just because I don’t have the energy to. With some time passing and me coming back to myself, I’m excited to finally share you all. With awareness, age, and having a child prior — there was more thought, intention, and visualization poured into my labor and birth experience. Enjoy!

My expected born date for our little soul was 4/19, we had a 4/20 surprise instead. There was a timeframe of many sacred days that baby could have arrived a week prior— 4/13 my birthday, 4/14-4/16 Khmer New Year, 4/17 Easter, or 4/18 my sister-in-law’s birthday.

I hoped that baby would have come a little earlier to match Devyn and Apollo’s birthdays — August 13 + August 14. With my birthday being April 13, I thought that baby would have arrived April 14. We would have had two Leos and two Aries in the house. A big, fiery family.

My 39 week appointment was on my birthday. The midwife checked my cervix I was already 1 cm dilated. We stripped some membranes to hopefully induce labor.

Getting back home, I did all the intention setting, rituals, and prayer for her arrival on the sacred day of Khmer New Year. — where an angel descends from the heavens to bless us all. I set up my altar especially for her and created offerings that would satisfy the angel. Along with KNY, Easter followed. Easter was connected with spring and was a day to honor the pagan goddess of fertility, Eostre (Ostara).

Khmer New Year went by, baby wasn’t here. Easter went by, baby wasn’t here. My sister-in-law’s birthday went by, baby still wasn’t here.

Our baby had other plans. Already, they had a mind of their own and felt strong willed. I wanted to co-create with the universe for a very special day for them to arrive, but realized I was too in my ego. It was all about divine timing and order. Although, we did receive our baby on a very special day of 4/20 & Taurus season. I see why the divine gave us an earth sign— to ground all of us and bring us to the present moment.

On the arrival of our expected born day, I was looking forward to go into labor. During most of my third trimester, I experienced sharp shooting pains down my cervix and vagina. My midwives called it lightning crotch or thunder crotch. It sounds funny, but honestly, it’s the best way to describe it. Throughout 38-40 weeks of pregnancy they become more and more frequent. These sharp pains eventually grew on me and I started to enjoy them, looking forward for when I would feel this sensation again.

That night, I gave myself a goddess bath filled with a beautiful soak blend and florals. My dear friend alchemized and curated a soak with Hawaiian sea salt, red alaea salt, epsom salt, lemon balm, and lavender. The florals were special because earlier that day Devyn gathered them for me on our walk on the beach.

When I went down for bed, I was disappointed that I haven’t had any contractions yet. I remembered one of my midwives at Quilted Health said nipple stimulation induces labor. I was willing to do anything at that point for baby to be earth side. I tried many things for me to get into labor a week before— from walking, shaking my hips dancing, to lower belly + back massage, eating spicy foods, yoga, and sex. In bed, I explored my breasts, nipples, body, and felt that release of oxytocin. I was curious about what an orgasmic labor and birth experience would be like. Oxytocin is the love hormone, which is why it's released during sex, orgasm, birth and breastfeeding. Not long after that, did I start feeling my womb contracting.

I called my mother shortly after knowing baby was ready to come. I wanted her to witness me in this natural state that I knew she could deeply relate to. I surrendered to every contraction in front of my altar, with my mother by my side. It was a sacred moment for me. It was ultimately cut short when she questioned why I wanted to go natural as she saw me go through so much pain (she had an epidural with all 4 kids).

My mother got settled with Apollo and sent us off to the hospital/birth center. Devyn called our doula (which we were already in constant communication for the past month) once we got into triage at Virginia Mason. Our midwife, Becca from Quilted Health Midwifery, greeted us and got us through vitals + testing. She checked my cervix and I was 4 cm dilated.She helped me get through some contractions as we walked to my birthing suite. By the grace of the divine, we were able to get the room with the birthing tub.

We were up high on the 16th floor in the birth tub room overlooking Seattle. In between contractions I managed to create an altar right in front of the window— for me to pray at, bow to, and focus on. Having a Quan Yin statue, Mother Earth statue, my yoni eggs, a scripture from Be Here Now, painted rock from Apollo, and photograph of Devyn, Apollo, and I made the energy of the altar sacred and potent. Along with the sacred objects, I had a special curation of music devoted to my labor and birth. The ambient sounds and melodic chants brought me somewhere spiritual. By this time, I’ve been laboring fully naked, I dropped my robe as it felt I needed to strip down to my natural Self for this experience. Contractions got stronger and stronger and I dropped to my knees and Devyn and my doula supported me with guiding me with breath and comforting touch. I moved intuitively, swayed my hips, and felt so sensual, because it was sensual and orgasmic. I activated all my senses while I was in my body. The only sounds coming from me were moans as I felt into every contraction in my womb.

Within a couple of hours, I was ready to labor deeper in the birth tub. It was a sacred space that held Devyn and I. As he held me from behind and massage me and support me, like I needed him to, the masculine comfort. By this point, I was screaming along with my moans. My midwife, Becca, showed up and there was something about her energy that felt safe, like a wise grandmother. She told me she was there in whatever way I need her. She held me in her bosoms and I screamed and cried. I was having outer body experiences through each contraction and in between, I tried to ground myself with conscious breath and focus. It all was a cathartic experience.

The pain started to get unbearable and my body convulsed with every contraction. I felt like a mermaid gone mad. The amount of time between each contraction lessened and lessened. Knowing that the birth center provided birthing mothers with coping tools for pain, I asked for nitrous oxide. I may have liked it too much, to be honest. & Devyn probably wanted me to give him the oxygen mask, because he was going through the motions with me. I was too focused on my experience to hand over the mask.

I requested for the clock to be removed, because I didn’t want to measure time. Time felt like it stopped as I was feeling everything happening inside of me. Stemming from my womb to every cell of my body, I was being electrocuted. My body knew I couldn’t take it any longer. I stepped out of the bath and the sun started to rise. Walking to the bathroom to release, I had another contraction. My midwife came to support me and I held her like she was one of my ancestors coming to rescue me.

She checked my cervix for the 3rd time and I hoped to be fully dilated. I stayed at 7.5 cm dilated. I felt defeated and begged for an epidural. I know I made progress from being 4 cm when I first arrived, but my body felt so weak as I laboring through the night. My doula and midwife checked in with me to see if I wanted to keep going, since I was so close to full dilation. They had words of comfort and encouragement. Even with beautiful delivery, I knew it was time to rest. Devyn tried one last time for me to push through, but my immediate reaction was to lash out and decline. I screamed, yelled, convulsed, kicked through my last few contractions before the epidural. It was so rageful as I felt like I embodied the hindu goddess, Kali-Ma— the divine mother, dark mother, goddess of time, preservation, creation, and destruction. Just like the goddess, I felt fearsome to others, but knowing I was compassionate through and through.

My midwife told Devyn to hold me as I would be getting the epidrual. I declined with all my might and begged for her to support me once more. She held me and again, I fell into her arms, my head in her breasts, kicking my legs like a child, and squeezing her neck like I was rock bottom. I breathed in while the epidural was getting administered into my lower back.

Slowly, but surely, the contents were flowing through my veins and I could surrender into rest. This allowed for a few hours of sleep for myself, my husband, and my doula. All of us working through the night hoping baby would come under the moonlight. As the sun rose, I knew I needed to rest to gain back my energy. The epidural slowed everything down to a halt and I had to have a few more interventions, breaking my water, getting pitocin, and doing some spinning babies poses. I yearned for baby to come out.

My midwife stayed for me to birth baby. I asked for a mirror to see the arrival of my little soul that I was growing inside of me. Within 20 minutes and multiple pushes, I felt baby’s head and saw them coming home. Through my yoni she came from her safe haven, my womb. Passing through the portal she took her first few breaths on my chest. doing skin to skin. I raised baby up and Devyn and I knew she was our Goddess of Peace, Devi Śānti.

Om Śānti Śānti Śānti Om

Devi Śānti

04/20/2022

7 lbs 3 oz 20.5 in