A Reason To Be Thankful

People always wonder why I'm so happy and positive all the time. Let me tell you why. But first, I want to warn you that I am going to tell you something very personal. This is something I need to do for myself to heal. Some of my friends and family members don't even know the truth. Just know I am not posting this for pity, but I want to let you know I'm living proof of a second chance. I hope you finish reading this and understand that life is beautiful, and that there is always light at the end of the road. I am thankful for my boyfriend Devyn Snow. He has helped me realize my full potential. He's showed me that love does exist.

Okay, (deep breath) let's begin. Once upon a time, I was in a very toxic relationship. During this time, I turned into one of those crazy women that guys complained about. I became very insecure, lost, and extremely violent. This was a domestic violent relationship and ended with me having a broken ankle.

While I was in this relationship, I cut myself off from friends and made horrible decisions that hurt those around me. I stopped hanging out with my family because this person was all I knew. I was alone in this relationship. I would reach out to people for comfort, but eventually cut them off again.  I talked to people when it was convenient for me. I was selfish.

When I was in the hospital room recovering from surgery, my mom was by my side 24/7. I never felt so ashamed in my life. A disappointment. That's what I was. My mom sacrificed so much for me and my siblings. She always tried to gear us in the right direction, even if it had some yelling. I never listened. I didn't understand where she was coming from.

I understand now. My mom has always been right. To be a woman, you must love yourself. You must take care of yourself. Only you can make your heart happy. (I'm crying right now because I realize how much my mom means to me. If you're reading this mommy, I want to say thank you for laying in my hospital bed with me while I was screaming from the pain medication wearing off. It hurt me so much to hear you yell for help. With tears running down your cheeks, you begged all the nurses to take care of me. It was that moment when I knew that you would risk your life for me. I love you so much and I don't know how to repay you...).

I was on bed rest for a few months and during that time I was stuck with my thoughts. I kept asking God, why me. I felt so embarrassed. I didn't know what to tell the rest of my family. If they asked how I broke my ankle, I would just say I fell off the bed. If my friends asked, I told them I went snowboarding. It sounded more badass than falling off a bed. I want to give a personal shout out to everyone who visited me. Thank you Roberta, Randy, Tracey, Jessica, Vanessa, Jared, Brionna, Tyler, Jay, Jeffrey, and Kim. Thank you to my siblings Tavie, Julia and Bubba. It was hard for me to be in that situation and still feel proud to be your older sister. How can I lead by example when I've made such bad decisions? Thank you Julia for holding my hand while I sleep. Thank you Bubba for being my crutch when I needed to maneuver around the house. Last but not least, thank you Tavie for everything. We binge watched about five seasons of Once Upon a Time. You slept in my bed to keep me company. We had deep conversations. I felt your unconditional love. 

Okay okay. Now to present day. I didn't know how powerful it was to share a personal story until one day in my public speaking class. I told this story in front of 15 people. I thought I was ready to  share my experience.. but I wasn't. Once I got into the nitty gritty details, I started bawling my eyes out. It was embarrassing. I exposed myself to complete strangers who probably didn't care. After the class was over, I rushed out of the room because I knew I made a fool of myself. When I was almost to my car, I heard someone yell my name. It was a sweet girl from the public speaking class. She thanked me for sharing my story and told me she was in a similar situation. I never would have thought my life experience could relate to anyone. In that moment, I knew that being honest with yourself and not being afraid of who you are can be a good thing.

A few weeks ago, the topic of domestic violence popped up in class. I had to step out to take a breather. I saw my public speaking teacher, Mr. Watson, and immediately broke down crying. He helped me get my things from class and told me to take the day off (if you're reading this Mr. Watson, I appreciate you!). The point of sharing that little bit, was that although I thought I was healed, I wasn't. There will always be a part of your past that will always affect you.

Now to the good part. I want to share that I am utterly thankful for everything that has occurred. Without all these experiences, I wouldn't be the person I am today (I know, cliche). Seriously, I would appreciate the little things as much as I do. I try to be positive as possible, because I've gotten another chance to have a wonderful life. I created a relationship with God. I reconnected with friends and family and value it more than ever. Helping people and seeing them grow makes my heart sing. My creative juices are flowin' like no other. I can say I am a fashion designer, graphic illustrator, videographer. I'm a creative.

My Facebook group, the Creative Social Hour has over 200 indivuials that share there passion for creativity. I helped that! I think it's mind boggling that I've created a community where people feel safe to ask for advice, look for collaborations, and share their work.

A special thank you to my man, Devyn. You are God's gift. We compliment each other so well. Our connection is something so beautiful, and only we know it. I love you.

If you've gotten to this point, thank you. I know it was long, but it was more for me to vent and let everything out. I hope you take this time to realize how blessed you are to be alive. If there is something negative in your life, take a step back and evaluate how important it is. Does it really need to consume all your energy and drain you?

YOU have the potential to be amazing. Try something new. Explore new hobbies. Travel. Meet people. Open your mind. Open your heart. Open your soul.

-- Tori